Finding your calm in the tornado of tantrums

I have to admit...I was raised to become a yeller. And that neural pathway is slowly being changed over, but not in light of a LOT of hard work and perseverance on my part. There is a lot of checking in with myself that has to be done during the process. And believe it IS a process.

Bad habits are hard to break, especially ones that have been nearly hardwired into your brain for 30+ years.

I was on the fence at one time, thinking that allowing my children to freak out, scream, go boneless in the store and cry when I asked them to comply with something I wanted them to do, would only lead to uncontrollable and manipulative children that I wouldn't be able to trust to have the same respect for me that I thought I "deserved". This was where my backwards thinking began.







I wouldn't say it was the way I was raised that allowed me this skewed perception, even though I was raised in a spanking/punishment/grounding environment. At one time, I honestly believed that pure discipline created a stronger, more structured child. I didn't come to a different perspective because of some horrid moment, or a knock on the noggin. I came about the change because I wanted to and made a serious decision to change how I reacted to my children and the children around me. I don't personally believe any parent actually "wants" to yell at their children. They merely don't know what else to do.

Well, as cliche as it may sound, here are some tips:

1) Breathe: It may sound easier than it actually is, and you may think to yourself as you read this "I AM breathing. I'd be dead otherwise.", but that is not what I have in mind. When it comes to a struggle emerging within your child and you, when a request has been sent from you and isn't being given the respect that you wish it would, it's time to step back and take at least 3 solid, deep from the diaphragm breaths (in from the nose, out through the mouth, with a steady count of 1,2,3,4,5 for each inhale/exhale). This gives you 30 seconds to see what happens after you've made the request to your child. Sometimes, this waiting period is all it takes for your child to notice that something is different (that you are not yelling and freaking out), and change their patterns as well. Sometimes it doesn't work! Then what?

2) Give 2 Workable Options: When your first request hasn't been answered with anything other than difficulty and a stressful looking tantrum AND you've already played your first hand of 30-seconds of deep breathing to give your child time to respond, it's then time to send out a negotiable request. Keep them simple (IE: "You can walk to the car or I can help you", "You can pick out the book to read or you can go to bed now") and ALWAYS keep them in your boundary zone. Do not give your child an option that doesn't exist or that you really aren't comfortable with. This only leads to more confusion, stress, and unnecessary resentment on both your parts. The idea here is to give them a choice and follow through with the options you have set into place. Remember, children thrive upon consistency and structure. I haven't met a child yet that wants chaos and disorder (except that one "Damien" kid, but he's a whole other parenting blog altogether).

3) When all else fails, FOLLOW THROUGH: I cannot say this enough. YOU ARE THE ADULT HERE. You have the conscious mind to make the choices that have to be made once reasonable options have been set out into play and none have been chosen.
Reminder: There is a way to execute your option all the while keeping a solid state of respect between you and the child, and there is a way to merely follow through with anger and resentment that the child didn't make a choice. Never follow through with anger behind you. Always refer back to your breathing exercise before you go ahead and follow through. This again gives the child enough time to make their decision about which option to choose (if they choose any at all). It may be frustrating that they didn't choose any of the reasonable options you set forth for them. That's ok. That was their prerogative. And now, you get to show them that one of those options was your choice. And that's ok too.

Reminder #2: Unless you are honestly "the baby whisperer" and have magical spells and mysterious ways about you, your child will ultimately display a tantrum or just plainly NOT LISTEN at one time or another. This isn't because they hate you (even if they say it). It isn't because they are trying to annoy you (even if it does). These displays of emotional outpouring come from very simple sources, and as much as it will sound completely out of the box to look at it this way, you should feel honored they are bringing their tantrums to you! This shows an amount of trust that you will be there to take care of them, that they trust their tantrums safety and response to you, the parent.
Their screams and cries pierce you to the bone because they are supposed to. It's a primordial quality engineered into mothers and fathers to trigger the fight or flight response, based on our predecessors, commonly known as neanderthals.

All in all, it's not a perfect world, and I am by far and large, not a perfect parent. Nor do I want to be. I want to be the parent that my children deserves to have. One that trusts and respects them, and one that they trust and respect as well. This takes work. Especially after all the wiring has to be re-soldered together.

It took a while, but I am on the road to recovery from being a YELLER to a NEGOTIATOR, all with one purpose in mind - get everyone out alive. Note that I didn't say "alive and happy" because that doesn't always happen. It's a dream, and one that perhaps the amount of respect and trust I am willing to give will instill a sense thereof in my children down the road.

But not something I expect or even count on happening. Where's the fun in that?

What's trust got to do with it?

       Jacques Cousteau was a brilliant cinematographer and documentary maker. He has possibly thousands of real-life instances documented and showing all throughout the world. He brought to life, in the click of a TV button, the world of aquatic nature. And yet, we never did see him attempt to brush the teeth of a great white shark. Or wrestle that sea lion out of the orca whale's mouth. And why not?

       It seemed unfair that that poor, cute fluffy sea lion had to fall prey to that evil, giant, black and white monster...

       Trust is an integral part of the child care process. It takes restraint on the part of the parent/child care worker, in order for nature to take it's course and make what is going to happen as natural a sequence of events as humanly possible. Right or wrong in the adult mind doesn't matter when it comes to really listening, observing and allowing the child to grow at their own rate, both intellectually and emotionally.

As adults, we tend to stray from trust easily. It has been engineered out of us through time at work, contest, unwilling compromise in faulty relationships, etcetera, etcetera, ad infinitum.

"Waitaminute, Mr. CaveDad! I absolutely do not agree! I trust my children wholeheartedly! They're my children, after all!"

Is that what you were thinking? Perhaps it is. Perhaps it isn't. I can say, having been one of those parents, that was what I was thinking when I was told I didn't trust my children.

       The situation here is a matter of mixed intention. While it is easy to jump to the defense and say things like "Of course, I trust my children.", it isn't always a practice that we, as parents and child care workers, stick to repeatedly. It just isn't how the world looks at children.

       The world sees the child as the baby. Unbeknown to even themselves, they have no semblance of reasoning capabilities beyond crying, throwing and defecating themselves. The media world has taught the adult world that you must be the voice of reason for your child, because they don't know any better.

This is an assumption that needs to be rethought. If you sit down on the sidelines, and truly watch two children that haven't the capacity to speak clearly their intentions, you will be lucky enough to witness natural communication/decision-making in it's purest form. The key to all of this divinity lies in our ability to TRUST the child.

       When we put trust into people, we see what would have naturally occurred, without resistance. The same goes for children. As long as there is no acts of violence involved (that is where we intervene, gently and calmly, with only the intention of not allowing the violence to happen - "I won't allow you to hit him/her"), children have their own necessary desire to obtain structure in their world. You will witness it, surely. Interference only muddles their concentration on what is happening directly in their minds. This is where we, as adults, have the ability to stretch and witness nature taking it's course as it should.

       When we just "let go", and let life happen, especially when it comes to your children, they are allowed to create their own solutions to life's problems. It allows them the respect that, ultimately, you wish to instill in them towards you.

RESPECT THE CHILD. THE CHILD RESPECTS YOU. 

Trust is the key to giving the gift of respect to the child.

So, next time you hear screaming from your children, and there isn't any unnecessary (IE: violent/unsafe) contact happening, just "let go" and observe from a safe distance (safe distance = a point away from the children where, if need be, you can cross and intervene, if violence/unsafe acts are about to occur). Watch and trust that they will figure it out. Whether it's two children squabbling over a toy, one child throwing a tantrum, a child struggling to fit a puzzle piece in place. Let go, give respect to them as people in this world, and trust that they have their own idea of how to resolve and complete their own scenarios.

One day, they will have to own up to their own actions.

Why not let it be today? 
 

Let the child choose...

If you have seen the movie "Accepted", you are on your way to understanding what emergent curriculum is....

If you haven't seen it, go out and rent it, torrent it, or cue it up in Netflix. It's a brilliant example of what it means to instill a free-spirited and yet stabilized method of teaching.

Now, I know what you might be thinking:
"Huh?"

Getting prepared to enter into the world of early childhood education, I take higher interest in emergent curriculum as a form of teaching. Because, hey, who knows better what they want to learn than the child his/herself. I, for one, am certain that were I able to pick my own curriculum at insert local community college here, that I would've jumped (nay....leaped) at the chance!

For those that aren't quite familiar with the term emergent curriculum, it stems from the idea that we follow the child on their journey through life, uninterrupted by our need to instill a destination or outcome. When focus is given on a certain topic, whether that be slugs, bugs, paint, water or holes, we help to broaden their concept of what they are interested in and thus build our lesson around the focus of their discovery. Quite brilliant, eh?

Children have a way of showing us what they need in order to progress intellectually and emotionally. I believe it to be high time more child care centers start taking a little less time worrying about what the child should be learning, and a little more time focusing on what the child wants to learn.

The worry over teaching and involving children in dynamically structured lessons due to your crucial desire to stuff as much into their little heads during what has been overtly and obtusely referred to as their "formative years", is grossly overrated and highly unnecessary. Your child (just like mine and everyone else's) will formulate synaptic patterns just as efficiently as they are naturally meant to.

I believe the key here is to repeat this mantra everytime you hear the words "lesson plan":

Let the child choose.

It'll never let you down, because, all in all, they know what's best for their brain.

Let nature take it's course. It's been doing a great job for about 250,000 years or so.