"Grown Up Time" - How to talk/deal with adults (Pt. 1)

        















       There is going to come a time in our lives when, as parents of little people, we will eventually have to conversate with other adults, in regards to our needs and desires as parents to these beautiful kids we have. Whether that conversation is intended to inform, compliment or even criticize, how you go about it can be a decisive factor as to it's success, failure or (in worst case scenarios) complete and utter explosive ball of confusion and displacement.

        Reasoning with adults is difficult, to say the least. We have been raised by different people, usually have a different structure of family values, and as parents, we know what is right for our child. Right? But, what happens when someone you have put your trust in does something against your best wishes as a parent? What about when a family member acts in a way that is contrary to the way we would like our children treated? What happens when you, as a child care provider, have to talk to a parent about a tricky situation with their child?

       These are the situations we come across daily, in one light or another. And the execution of the conversation, the undertones, the midtones, the entire feeling behind your cause...all of these aspects have their role to play into whether or not your message is sent and recieved with the intention you first had.

Here are some keynotes when it comes to dealing with adults, whether they be a child's parent, a care giver to your child or even your child's adult relatives, when it comes to issues of your child and the care you & they administer (IE: how they act around your kid/s). Feel free to adjust as necessary to your situation:

 Always remember one initial rule of thumb when it comes to 

these skills and the possibility of volatile situations/conversations:

Don't have these discussions around the child. 

Their lives are stressful enough 

(especially at pick up/drop off - in child care), 

it leads to confusion, 

and your tones 

(even if you don't mean to) 

can be scary to them.

HEAR THEM:
        In my opinion, one of the worst things to experience in an adult relationship (parent/caregiver, parent/parent, parent/relative & vice versa) is for someone to feel like you are not listening to them and what they have to say. There are always two roles in a healthy conversation. There is the sender and the recipient. As the sender, it is always best if we are clear and concise as to our message (without shame or blame..."I feel" statements). As recipient, it is a good practice to repeat, in as kind and gentle a tone as possible (without shame or blame), exactly what the sender has spoken to you, afterwards asking them for more information, in order to bring a sense of validation to the sender that:

"Yes, I heard you, and this is what I heard you say. Tell me more."

This method of communication helps you as the recipient in three distinct ways. It helps by telling the sender that you actually heard what they said. If you misheard, it allows the sender the ability to correct what you said and restate their cause.And finally, it sends the message that you are genuinely interested in hearing more of what they have to say.
  
In addition, as recipient during a conversation, eye contact is a good way of showing you are paying attention to the sender. Never try and "fix" the situation after the sender states the issue. At times, these conversations can be lengthy, some lasting days, if not weeks, to finalize a secure solution (one that both parties can agree upon). Merely appreciate and validate, by repeating


BE HONEST:
The worst thing you could do to another parent/child care worker/relative is for you to sugarcoat how you feel when confronting them about how to act and administer care around the child. This can be a tad bit tricky, depending on who exactly you are speaking with.

            Always try, whenever possible, to mention something about the issue as soon as the issue comes up. This doesn't mean jumping down someone's throat in the heat of the moment. If you are finding that you are upset about the issue at hand, take a moment and breathe before saying something. If you do that, and you are still upset, step back, take another breath, and ask if there is a good time in the future where you can speak to them about something involving the child. This allows you a bit of space between moments. If they say something to the effect of:
"Now is good for me!"
and "now" is not good for you, let them know you can't talk about it right then and there and either move on to something different or take a walk, get some space, etc. Always a best idea to leave a statement like that for when you can make an exit without seeming rude or like you are trying to run away, like when you are actually leaving to a different destination.


Food for thought:
Research has shown that it takes 5 positive interactions to neutralize 1 negative interaction. Whether it be an insult, a lie, not showing up on time, whatever the case may be. In addition, it takes 20 positives to 1 negative to equal true happiness. 

This is only the beginning of making sure both parties are treated with respect and honesty.

...to be continued...

   

Put down the blog and nobody gets hurt!!!

       In the world of self-help parenting books, blogs, newsletters & workshops on raising the ideal baby by being the ideal parent and all that lies inbetween, there lies that dead zone that I, myself, admittedly sometimes forget about.

       Putting down the proverbial 'book' and just being.        

       I know, it sounds so elementary, but you would be surprised at how many parents get wrapped up in the constant unraveling of solutions, almost to the point of being blind-sided by the fact that their children are sitting there displaying the exact same behaviors that they were attempting to draw out of them in the first place. All the while, they read and read, agree with their internal self-dialogue, and pursue to no end, the gaining of insights and skills necessary to do whatever it is they are wanting to learn how to do with their children.

"You will learn by reading. You will understand with love."

Rumi      

       And, yet, I maintain my stance: Put the book down and just BE. You are going to be so much more the parent you are reading about being by merely being present, than you ever will perusing chapters in the latest and greatest creation on early childhood development. Please do not mistake this article as a shunning of all things written form, created to aide in your development as a successful parent. I merely suggest that you take a little more time in just remaining present and loving for your children, and a little less time reading about it.

        As much as your child is lucky and will most certainly benefit from the knowledge that you gain from that book/magazine/blog/newsletter/graffiti on the wall at the local coffee shop, there is nothing that can substitute true presence in their life. So, without further adieu, I am going to exit virtual-stage left and ask that you do the same, if only until the next article ;-)

SHUT DOWN THIS PAGE AND GO BE YOU WITH YOUR CHILDREN.

Let the child choose...

If you have seen the movie "Accepted", you are on your way to understanding what emergent curriculum is....

If you haven't seen it, go out and rent it, torrent it, or cue it up in Netflix. It's a brilliant example of what it means to instill a free-spirited and yet stabilized method of teaching.

Now, I know what you might be thinking:
"Huh?"

Getting prepared to enter into the world of early childhood education, I take higher interest in emergent curriculum as a form of teaching. Because, hey, who knows better what they want to learn than the child his/herself. I, for one, am certain that were I able to pick my own curriculum at insert local community college here, that I would've jumped (nay....leaped) at the chance!

For those that aren't quite familiar with the term emergent curriculum, it stems from the idea that we follow the child on their journey through life, uninterrupted by our need to instill a destination or outcome. When focus is given on a certain topic, whether that be slugs, bugs, paint, water or holes, we help to broaden their concept of what they are interested in and thus build our lesson around the focus of their discovery. Quite brilliant, eh?

Children have a way of showing us what they need in order to progress intellectually and emotionally. I believe it to be high time more child care centers start taking a little less time worrying about what the child should be learning, and a little more time focusing on what the child wants to learn.

The worry over teaching and involving children in dynamically structured lessons due to your crucial desire to stuff as much into their little heads during what has been overtly and obtusely referred to as their "formative years", is grossly overrated and highly unnecessary. Your child (just like mine and everyone else's) will formulate synaptic patterns just as efficiently as they are naturally meant to.

I believe the key here is to repeat this mantra everytime you hear the words "lesson plan":

Let the child choose.

It'll never let you down, because, all in all, they know what's best for their brain.

Let nature take it's course. It's been doing a great job for about 250,000 years or so.

Isn't it time to change, Dad?

            

               I see it as I apply for child care positions in and around the Portland, Oregon/Multnomah County area. There is a subtle, yet disturbing complexity and even more upsetting simplicity to the thought that men weren't made to care for children in a professional environment, nevertheless a personal environment. It saddens me, and yet, doesn't truly surprise me. Not yet at least.

It's easy to assume that when dad is at home, he is dad. Play with the children at his leisure Make sure there is bread to toast in the morning, that his coffee is sitting beside him when he wakes up. Don't bother him if he's in the garage because he is dad. These are mild examples of how the western world thinks of the male figure in the household environment. That's not to say that it is like that everywhere in this country. It is a pretty standard and prevalent thought pattern that has developed, and I only blame one person. Dad.

Not my dad, persay. Not your dad. But dads everywhere. It's our fault, guys. We didn't stop this assumption from taking place, and now it's our duty to oversee it's deconstruction and rebuild the world's eyes from the ground up.

               Ever since we asked "What's for dinner, dear?", we played into the almighty contraption. One that speaks volumes about our negligence in the homestead, and even more so, towards our partners and children. We have allowed our partners to take the brunt of our bad days, and yet still tend to our needs, our children's needs and the needs of their employers, not to mention the rest of the world, as well. Did we ever come to think what their world would look like were they to just "let go" and tell us exactly what they were thinking, all the time? I don't have a keyboard sturdy enough to exercise all that would entail in that conversation, but I can assure you.....it probably wouldn't be pretty.

All in all, we are responsible for what we have done to our reputations as men and dads. We need to stand up & take charge of our selves in such a manner that we are able to bend and flex, for the greater good of our children, our relationships with them, as well as those with our partners.

Flowers do not say you are sorry. Band-aids do not say they will heal. Action, and being pro-active in our lives. These lives we have created. This is what will move the restrictions of what we have constructed. We stood around for so long, waiting to be served upon. Hand and foot. For ages it's happened. And it is time for change to occur, for the benefit of all human beings. Being sensitive to the needs of all beings does not mean we are less than men. It means we are whole men.

I, for one, have began the change in myself. I look forward to meeting more complex cavedads out there that have began this change, for the greater good of the leaders of tomorrow. They deserve and desire our masculine energy, just as much as our feminine counterparts.